I was 20.
I was standing alone outside trying to catch a breath, I felt out of place at the dinner table.
He came up to me, said hello. Asked for my number.
I thought about it for a few seconds, I had promised myself I’d be more open, less sceptical. His friends were waiting, he said he’d call. He had a nice smile.
We talked on the phone, he wanted to see me. I decided I would.
I send him a message. There’s a woman and a child smiling on his display picture.
“You’re married aren’t you?”
“Yes I am, she’s away visiting family for Easter, I’m just trying to have a little fun”.
I promise myself I’ll never speak to him again. I should’ve deleted that stupid number.
It’s Easter and everyone’s gone home to their families. I feel so lonely, I’ve been drinking by myself.
He wants to hang out,
“Nothing’s gonna happen, it’s completely platonic”
“Yes, of course”
He picks me up, he’s on time, which they never are.
The drive starts out awkward, he’s a little cold. He starts to ask me about me, I chatter away trying to warm the air.
When we get to the hotel he’s even more cold, at first.
He asks, about my childhood, my family.
I ask him about his family, he brushes it off. He’s not allowed to talk about work.
We grew up in the same neighbourhood and he tells me Zamunda is a real place, and he’s the prince. We laugh together.
Then he says I suck his dick tonight. “No”
I’m panicking, I’m trying to call my friends. No one’s answering.
“Give me your phone”
I hope he doesn’t see,dear God.
He hands it back to me and announces some friends are coming over.
I tell him I want to leave.
“Wait and meet my friends, I’ll take you home”
His friends are a guy and his girlfriend, she seems nice. I want to ask her if they can take me home. I should’ve. They’re exhausted and they go to sleep in his room.
He talks about his c0ck again and starts to put his hand up my skirt. I look like a nasty wh**e who likes to f$ck raw.
“I’m going home”
“I’m too tired to drive”
“That’s fine I called a cab”
“Cab’s aren’t allowed in here”
“Then I’ll hike to the entrance”
“It’s about 1 mile and you’ll probably get lost”
He goes in. My cab can’t get in, its 3am and I don’t even know how safe that is.
“Please take me home” I’m begging now.
“Give me a massage first”
“It’s just a massage, I’m not having s3x with you”
He takes of his shirt. I hate this so much.
He starts to slip of his pants and now I can’t take it.
“Calm down baby I’m just trying to relax”
“Please suck my d**k so I can c*m, please I need to c*m, please. I’ll take you home”
I know I’ll never give head again after this.
He still doesn’t come
He turns me over and he’s on top of me, I’m crying now
“I won’t rape you I just need to feel warm” as he slaps his d**k on my bare a$$ and rubs my a*******e.
He sticks it in my mouth and cvms. That’s the only time I ever saw him smile.
“I’ll take you home in the morning”
I sit in the cold on his balcony for 3 hours.
He drives me halfway
“You can walk from here”
I never saw his face again.
As I delete his number I see his status update:
“Happy birthday to my wife and best friend”
I did this to myself, I shouldn’t have let my guard down.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
I was 18 and I hooked up with a boy.
I wasn’t lonely enough to fuck him.
But he told everyone that what we did anyway.
I was a w***e who liked it dirty.
Till I graduated the boys keeps coming saying they wanted to f$ck me.
I never had a boyfriend in college.

I should’ve made better choices.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
I was 15.
I go to see him and his friends after school with my friends.
We’re not official yet but I can stop kissing him.
And he’s the only one who knows about my darkest secret.
Suddenly we’re alone, I wonder where everyone is. But I like kissing him.
I feel like the innocent teenage girl with butterflies I should be.
Then he’s pinning me down and forcing his hands up my thigh
“I’m not him, relax”
But I don’t want this.
It’s too late and his fingers are inside me, and it hurts.
He stops. I don’t cry. I go home.
I never speak of it again, it was my fault. I was kissing him all the time.

He says he did it “because I love you”
I see him again, I don’t want to be lonely, but never again inside a house.
Then one day I cut him off.
Haven’t seen him since I was 16.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………
I’m 14
Uncle is the only person I can talk to.
The boys, the emotions, the fears.
I wish mother would listen when I tried to talk.
But at least Uncle was there.
Till he said
“I love you and I want to take care of you”
“Send me pictures of your body”
“Remember I love you and I’m here for you”
He calls me in the middle of the night to hear my voice and say “I’m here for you”
Then I listen to him touch himself.
One day he asks me to stroke the button in the middle of my legs.
I feel dirty after.
But I let it be our ritual, it felt good and dirty.
I tell him about my first kiss and he calls me a slut.
One day, I cut him off. I didn’t want to feel dirty anymore

He begs and begs, and he begs.

It’s all my fault.

 

 

 

 

Writer’s Bio


Love is a writer and content creator. She’s passionate about the African continent, art, culture and exploring. When she’s not writing or travelling she works in public relations, tour & event management and raising awareness about mental health.